Duality

(Five thoughts gathered during my first week of working full-time and living on my own.)

Ordeal
Nothing in school can prepare you for the 8-to-5. Maybe your worst schedule was 8 AM to 5 PM, but no one said you had to stay awake for the whole nine hours. No one said you even had to show up. The challenge of work is not just staying awake, but staying functional throughout the day. Each day in the past week, there was always some point where my brain would crash and I’d sit in front of my computer like a zombie, randomly clicking around.

Needless to say, the day is long—very long. By the end of the day, all I want to do is eat then sleep. Don’t want to pick up anything from the store; don’t want to go anywhere; don’t want to take care of any business. Eat. Sleep. That’s it.

Timeless
But it’s not that simple. I need to wash dishes (from lunch), “cook” (boil and microwave, hah), and wash dishes (from cooking and eating). And then shower, maybe. And then sleep, preferably before 11 PM. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s amazing how fast time slips away.

I finally understand why people stop playing games when they get older: they just don’t have the time. In the past week, the only “me” time I had was the hour-and-half at Milpitas Golfland ($6 unlimited play at the arcade Wednesday nights) on Wednesday. And I had to sacrifice a couple hours of sleep and the chance to shower for that. I remember talking with Bigi a couple weeks ago about how we’ll have so much free time after we start working. Leave at 5 PM and the rest of the night is mine, right? I can’t believe how wrong we were.

Prospect
The transition felt so abrupt. One day I was still a student slacking at home during the summer. The next, I was working the 8-to-5 and living on my own. Like a high-school player drafted into the NBA. That’s basically what I am.

I am expected to eventually contribute to my group—a group which currently consists of my manager and a senior-level designer (Masters + 5 years experience, but way ahead of his time). My cubicle is in a high-traffic area. I overhear conversations all day and don’t understand any of it. There’s so much for me to learn, I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough.

Do you understand my fear? They spent their first pick in five years on me. I don’t want to turn out to be the next Kwame Brown.

Escape
I left the TV, games, and internet at home because I didn’t want any distractions. How ironic that having nothing with me has become the biggest distraction of all.

I was wrong to leave everything from my world behind. With a transition as big as this one has been for me, I need all the familiar faces I can get. Even if they cause me to stay up late. Even if they cause me to sleep in. I’ve realized that I can’t relax without them. I feel anxious, worried, and lonely. My mind jumps from one to-do to another. Make sure to cook the leftover vegetables. Forward mail to landlord. Fill out forms for work. No escape.

Endgame
I worry that my life will be like this from now on. Work, cook, clean. Day in, day out. In my mind, I see this endless expanse. Flat, monotone. How does it all end? Does it end at all? It’s like a MMORPG. There are no rounds, no stages, not even a destination. It continues forever.

And you can play the rest of your life and not get anywhere. That’s what scares me. School was so guaranteed. Survive and you reach the next level. Survive X levels and you reach the end. It was easy to focus on a goal like that.

It’s only been a week, but it felt so long. Will I make it past one month? Six months? One year? Two years? This is an awful lot of worrying for such a short time, isn’t it? Maybe sitting on the bench has given me too much time to think.